tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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