she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
