ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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