He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
