just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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