I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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