Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
People in love make me want to vomit
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize