I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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