and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
