guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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