so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
