I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
