girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
