Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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