Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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