I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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