i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Mom said you looked used
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
