can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
