I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
