My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
