Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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