I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We left the knife in your bed.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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