what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
