then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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