Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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