i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
