So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
