Can i not drive my cunt home
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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