I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
