i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize