Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
