wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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