I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
