some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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