i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
where are my eyebrows?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
