Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
