Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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