You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
