I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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