3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
