Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
