I wanna bring you to show and tell
ugly people sure do ruin things
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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