you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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