i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
