Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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