dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
