This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize