you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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