he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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