he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
