im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
