i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
