so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
