i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
