Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
