omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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