So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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